I was never a fan of following traditional ancient etiquette rules that have outgrown themselves a few centuries ago. Unless you are a member of a royal family, don’t bother.
But here’s some food for thought. The New York Magazine has published a collection of rules and tips for how to behave in a modern society. (Found at Kottke.org blog).
I think it’s worth to have a conversation about this. Some rules are great, some are a bit weird or way too American. But it’s a good start. I think it would be nice to have a universal agreement on stuff like that. Obviosly it is impossible to make a set of rules that everyone will agree on, but it’s nice to fantasize.
So here are my own two cents on a few rules from the list that I either want to scream “Yes! Yes! Yes!” to or disagree completely.
2. You may callously cancel almost any plans up until 2 p.m.
At 2 p.m., there’s still ample time for your friend — if they so choose — to text around and find another dinner companion. By three, they almost certainly will be alone for the night.
Yes!
6. Never wake up your significant other on purpose, ever.
The author’s significant other obviously doesn’t snore.
11. When another human is present, don’t talk to your animal in the private voice you use when alone together.
I’ll talk to my cat as I want, thank you very much.
16. If you ghost someone, stay gone forever.
I don’t ghost people because abandonment is my central trauma and passive-aggressive has never been my style. (I’m more aggressive-aggressive.) I suppose I can understand the appeal of ghosting as an easy way to cut someone off for whatever reason, or for none at all. What I cannot understand is ghosting someone and then coming back several years later to request a favor that would have been a considerable ask even if we had remained friendly.
let’s say we worked together in some context, were supportive of each other as colleagues, spent some time together socially, created a genuine rapport — and then you stopped responding to emails, texts, DMs, whatever. That’s fine, I guess. Working relationships don’t always last (even if it feels like more than a working relationship). It’s always going to take me a minute to stop reaching out, because abandonment trauma, but I’ll eventually move on and try not to take it personally (with varying degrees of success).
Yes. The same applies especially if you were never friendly and managed to talk shit behind my back. Don’t come asking for favours, it is weird and is never acceptable.
21. Gift randomly.
 I like giving people gifts as soon as I find something that may amuse them or that I want them to read or hear rather than waiting for some societally designated occasion. It feels less contractual this way. And the things I like giving — novelty T-shirts, hyperspecific vintage mugs, old issues of The Face, fruitcake, glossy eight-by-tens of ’90s musicians — rarely rise to the gravitas of a birthday or holiday.
It’s just nice to offer someone a physical manifestation of “I was thinking about you.” Or to figure out how you might distill someone’s personality into an eBay search string. Obviously, this doesn’t work with children. But most other people in your life will appreciate the small unexpected interruption to business as usual. This dovetails with another personal rule: Always send mail; everyone loves getting surprises in the mail. — Hua Hsu
Love this one and often do that to people. It is an amazing feeling to make people happy when they didn’t expect that.
30. When casually asked how you are, say “Good!”
It’s neutral and doesn’t force someone to endure a trauma dump or a spiel on how “the world is up in flames.”
Nope, that is too American and should never be accepted by the rest of the world. There is enough fakeness already, don’t add into it. If you do not genuinely want to know how someone is doing, ask something else. Heck, comment on the weather or something. Anything is better than being fake.
33. If you bring up astrology and it isn’t met enthusiastically, change the topic.
Not everyone believes in your made-up star bullshit.
Yes! Yes! Yes! This one should be a universal rule! Same applies to religion and other made up stuff.
40. Do not touch the small of my back to move around me at the bar if you’re ugly.
Don’t do it even if you’re pretty. Just don’t do it.
51. No deciding your order at the counter. When you roll up, speak up.
Yes! You’re not the center of the universe, so respect other people’s time.
83. Go on, take the last bite.
One thousand times yes! Eat the food, that’s why it’s there.
84-91. There are new rules of tipping.
Ok America, calm down. Don’t force your bullshit onto us because you haven’t succeeded to pay your workers salaries properly. Tipping is not mandatory, it is a compliment to a good service.
94. It’s okay to email, text, or DM anyone at any hour.
There’s nothing worse than being woken up at 2:30 a.m. with a dumb text or a Slack notification. So why did you do that to yourself? Phones and computers have great tools now to manage your time away, including setting working hours and muting types of notifications. We’re responsible for which flashing lights and noises we let into our lives. Because of that, anyone should feel free to text a friend or message a co-worker at any hour. We can’t successfully move into the future unless we recognize that the onus is on the receiver, not the sender.
Noooooooo! Not when it comes to work, not everyone is obsessed with work. Don’t take work matters outside of work hours. Chill.
If it is something else, like texting your friend, sure. You’re responsible for your own do not disturb settings.
99. Ignore your colleagues on the subway.
The commute, in the right light, is a sacred space not to be infringed upon.
Yes! Just yes!
And one more rule that I thought of while writing this:
If someone is constantly late for more than 10 minutes, don’t wait.
These kind of people do it because others accept their behaviour so they genuinely think that they deserve special treatment. Your time is not more valuable than mine. Especially when it comes to work appointments.
